Fantasy and Expectation
Meltdowns and intense tantrums used to be a daily happening in our home with our two-year-old. Screaming, bawling and huge outbursts of emotion that often left me feeling helpless, useless and inadequate as a parent. Sound familiar?
After my epiphany around acceptance, I noticed that my awareness became quite heightened around this. I was constantly paying attention. I became more vigilant and continued asking myself the question, “Am I in resistance or can I accept what is?”.
This concept of radical acceptance of the as-is was quite transformational. What I realized very quickly is that I had certain expectations about my daughter. Let me elaborate.
My son is a year and half older than my daughter and the two of them are very different children. I never believed that kids could be so entirely opposite from one another… especially when growing up in the same family. My son has the personality of a child who is mostly happy and easygoing about things. He doesn’t have meltdowns and I can reason with him and explain why we did or did not do things. He would ask questions and once satisfied with the answer, he would mostly go along with things.
She is the polar opposite. Everything is a NO and if things don’t go her way, she would be extremely upset. Meltdowns would last a few hours (seriously, I am not exaggerating). There would be screaming that surely the entire block could hear, spitting at anything or anyone, peeing on the floor wherever she was planted, and aggressive behaviour. It was scary. Very scary. It brought tears to my eyes. I often felt completely helpless, useless and inadequate. I used to take it personally and blame myself for it all. It was heavy.
At the age of two, during another epic meltdown, my daughter looked at me and screamed, “I don’t want you! I want my REAL mommy! Do you hear me? My REAL mommy!” I remember turning to my husband and feeling my eyes fill up with tears. I said to him under my breath, “What does that mean?”
Little did I know that she was preparing me for my own death… the death of my former self – the one who wore all kinds of masks and pretended to be real. The conditioned me. The inauthentic me. I was about to enter a full transformation and molting of my old skin.
After years of deep work, I realized that what my two-year-old daughter meant was, “I want the REAL you… the true you, without masks and in complete acceptance of YOU.” It was her way of saying to me, “When you accept yourself, you will accept me and you will see ME for who I really am and not wait for your fantasy child… I am who I am and I challenge you to accept me for that.” WOW. I got it. I hear you dear one. I am on it.
Conscious parenting has nothing to do with fixing the child. It’s about seeing the child as the reflection of where the parent needs to heal. It’s about letting go of unconscious expectations – the idea that your child is your “mini-me”, a model child, a perfect version of you. It’s about seeing the parent-child relationship as a dance and a symbiotic relationship.
I’ll leave you with one of my favourite quotes that inspires me in my daily practice of conscious parenting and reminds me that every child is a unique being – free from fantasy and expectation.
“Each time a new baby is born there is a possibility of reprieve. Each child is a new being, a potential prophet, a new spiritual prince, a new spark of light precipitated into the outer darkness.”
Looking to unearth some deep-rooted expectations that may be holding you back on your parenting journey? Let’s chat.